To Serve well

Serving with Excellence for a Life of Excellence

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Dialing in to trust: A force multiplier

Trust is an essential element for any relationship.

If your children trust that they can share with you they will do so, at least more often. If you have strong trust in your relationships at work with your team and the leadership, you can accomplish what may otherwise seem (or even be) insurmountable.

In a truly great book, “The Soft Edge,” by Rich Karlgaard he devotes much time to sharing stories and research on the power of building trust in business especially. The bottom line is this: profits and customer engagement are off the charts for teams that have a strong sense of trust.

“The big lesson: You can pay for someone’s time at work, and people will show up and do what they need to do. But you can’t wrench ideas, extraordinary effort and innovative solutions from their minds. Instead, if you give trust and respect, you’ll find those great, innovative ideas readily offered.”

It is interesting to me that more leaders don’t spend more time ensuring they get this absolutely right. (According to Karl, only 19% of people trust business leaders to make ethical or moral decisions. Worse yet, only 18% trust business leaders to even tell the truth… Side note: I think this is true in parenting. We sometimes don’t think we should have to “build” trust in our homes, but I’d say that healthier homes depend on it.)

The book has some strategies for building trust, (transparency and authenticity are key…), but I won’t go into a full playbook here. As always in this blog, I hope to inspire you to consider the topic and to take action if you believe it is speaking to you. I have been in organizations where this has proven beyond true, and can personally give you the differences if you reach out to me. This is critical in our homes, communities and work. Let’s stay on top of it and grow where we can.

Honoring your children well!

I stand in amazement at how others honor their children so well. Let me first say that honoring can be done in so many ways, and I believe they are all good and necessary. The point today is to lead you all to some folks that do this in ways that astound me, and will spur you onward. I personally love to to learn from others, and these ladies have pushed me along while not knowing it.

Check out these gals if you can; and if not, I have put in a few excerpts below that they recently posted that will offer a flavor of what I believe is pure awesome.

Kira Atkinson-Montuori – Kira always speaks out not only the virtue she sees, but also how her children do this for others. I honestly think without knowing it, she does this instinctively to reward them for being there for others. I love that. What do you want to see more of in your children? Here’s an excerpt from Kira’s Facebook post after her daughter ran the Girls on the Run 5K this weekend:

“She is everything I want to be.

She is determined. She is strong. She believes in herself. She is a goal setter and a goal go getter. And she is kind.

Every picture tells a story. A story about a girl who was excited. nervous. committed to what she wanted. And a girl whose main focus after crossing the line was to go back and congratulate her friends.”

Steph Guerin – This comes from a Facebook post for her son’s birthday (note, it doesn’t have to be her child’s birthday… she does this almost weekly). It’s incredible. Also, please note this is part of a multi-point message, so she really takes the time to honor well. I think that is a key we all need to remember:

“10) You. You, my son are a gift in and of yourself. I love your mind. I love your heart. I love your enthusiasm. I love your determination. I love your desire to win. I love that you would give any friend of yours anything that they wanted. I love your loyalty. I love your secrets. I love your chatter. I love your sense of humor. I love your memory. I love the way you connect things that other people can’t. I love that you get bored with stuff that doesn’t matter- it sucks in 5th grade, but it will serve you well later. I love that you want more than anything to be a good husband and father and that you already have the best taste in girls. I love that you’ve had your career path lined up since you were 5- even though it has changed. I love that you are able to take all the crap the world hands you and say you got it, and now I’m proud you can say you need help. I love that you are an 11 year old boy who can express a full range of emotions. I still wish you’d give me more hugs, but I should give you more, too. We’ll work on that.”

Casi Quinn – Casi does this type of Facebook post often. As parents, expressing our raw hearts is important and yet I find myself not doing it as much as I should – rarely even. Taking the time to point out this level of detail, leaves the family with a connection on how they should live out their lives. The lesson here for me, at the minimum, is that we teach our children how to honor by how we honor:

“Tonight was prom. And as we come to a close on Colton’s Senior year, I am once again reminded that behind every great older brother (in our house) is a younger brother who is equally as great. What memories they have made! How they have cherished one another….

I have watched them build forts, igloos, homemade weapons (In case they were ever stranded out in the wilderness). They have fought together, prayed together, cried together, laughed together – grown up together.

They have been roommates. Teammates. Schoolmates. Partners in crime…they are the epitome of what brothers should be. And I am so proud. So. Dang. Proud.”

Colton Quinn you are an amazing big brother. You are Just. Who. AJ. Needed. No one could have done the job as his big brother better than you. In your outlandish way, you brought out the best of him. You showed him that it was ok to be himself. And when he felt the world was against him, you would lift him up. God knew just what He needed. And AJ Quinn, you have been a silent strength. An unwavering constant that was a safe place for Colton to grow and learn that love doesn’t care about differences. A listener. An encourager. You’ve brought him peace – and balance. What a gift you are to one another!!”

Kira, Steph and Casi: Your words and heart are a profound lesson for us all. THANK YOU!

I hope this post gave you some ideas on how to dig deeper in honoring. No matter what, I hope that all of you will take some time this week to offer up a bit of extra honor to your children, or another loved one that could benefit!

What is the ‘on ramp’ to that conversation you need to have?

Challenging conversations are a big part of life, and are they usually aren’t particularly easy to navigate. The streams of thoughts in our heads may include:

What if they don’t understand?

What if they think I’m totally off the mark and am creating drama?

What if I upset them? 

What if they never talk to me again? Storm out? Quit?  

What if, worse yet, they tell others and my reputation is damaged? Or, if it’s a family member, what if the family “peace” is upended and our family gatherings are never the same again…?

Honestly, these are more tame than some of the scenarios I’ve been able to drum up that get far outside of these fairly normal “what ifs.” It’s challenging to approach a difficult subject with someone we care about. I have found this equally difficult in the work place, and at home. The good news is as I’ve gained experience and age, it is frankly much easier. Here are some thoughts on the matter:

  1. You need a strategy. The best conversations are those that you have really given some thought to. The kind of thought where you take notes of the key points you need to address and actually role play them in your head with actual examples so that you can be fair and clear. Plan…. Bottom line is you need to plan!
  2. You need to listen. I just read that the average physician listens for 18 seconds before interrupting the patient with their plan and two cents on their “illness” they came in for. The thinking is that we are all pretty much in the “18 second” category  in terms of our ability to truly listen. We need to go into the conversation with the intent to listen and then DO IT. I am not so good at this… It’s a work in progress, but it is valid and it shows respect and wisdom.
  3. Always be kind. It is never necessary to be rude, cynical or even a hint dismissive in any conversation. It always serves us and others best if we go in with a heart of kindness. If you can’t do that, you should probably wait to have the conversation.

So, what are your “on ramps” to a challenging conversation? I can think of a few more, but these are a good place to get the conversation rolling. We’d all love to hear from you…

A conversation that matters

Tuesday was the kick-off to the annual Seven Days events in Kansas City. I attended a terrific session on Tuesday night, “A Rabbi, an Imam, and an Evangelical Minister Walk into a Bar.” It was a conversation about “being your neighbor’s keeper.” It was pure delight.

It reminded me that I needed to make this the point of today’s blog. I have posted previously about these events, and as Seven Days is in their 4th year, I think it is important to share their story and encourage you to join in for some of the events and for sure the conversation.

The rest of the blog is primarily a rewind of the post from 2016. The information is as true today as ever, as we strive for progress at a higher pace. Please take some time to follow this important conversation. You will be better for it!

Rewind from 2016:

I asked one of my boys to attend the session Tuesday night explaining why this idea of Interfaith is important. He was confused because in his mind he is certainly open to all races and religions and as far as he was concerned there was not a good reason to learn more about the topic. I loved that, because I think it explains how many feel. Not long ago most of our country could say that they embraced all others. As generations have become educated and society progresses we have indeed made great strides forward.

I have to admit that I also didn’t like this response at all, because I personally know that there is so much more. It wasn’t until just a few years ago (well into my 40s- Yikes, now 50) that I attended a friend’s Passover Seder, which was an important step in understanding her faith. I still haven’t made the steps necessary to learn about my Muslim neighbors, and the list goes on. So, yes, we have made progress, but we have to do more to make the impact that is possible and necessary.

This summary below is just that, a high level overview… I’d love to hear your thoughts and also if you have questions, I’d be happy to moderate getting those to the Rabbi.

Why Interfaith? A lot of reasons, but in our current environment, understanding is the imperative to solving global issues that didn’t really exist prior to the current fast-paced communication and social media opportunities that ensure we have at our ready world-wide news and can react and respond right away. (One note: In last night’s session (2018), the panel talked about the change from the term interfaith to multi-faith, noting that we should not have to give up our individual beliefs, but be in friendship and hold respect for one another(s)…I like that A LOT.)

A great example he gave: In our country we enjoy freedom of religion, which is why my son answered as he did – makes sense. Unfortunately other countries do not enjoy freedom of religion. It is important for us all to understand the implications of this on world peace.

4 keys ways we can inspire each other in interfaith (multifaith):

  1. ENCOUNTER one another – Yep, invite your Muslim neighbor over, or if you are Muslim, invite your Christian neighbor over to begin a conversation of understanding.
  2. STUDY other countries, religions, beliefs – We must challenge ourselves to understand fully the traditions of others to truly understand them.
  3. PRAYER – The Rabbi included this and I thought it was great. This may seem like an easy list, but it isn’t. Even taking the first step seems some how beyond our ability to just jump out and make it a priority. We need to pray that God would give us a passion for understanding.
  4. SERVICE – Perfect that he ended with this. The idea being that once we come together we can translate that into ACTION that makes our communities and countries stronger.   Let’s contemplate that today!

There are some great activities/events happening in KC this week as a part of SevenDays. Check out the website for the full details.

Have a strong wrap to your week!

In a world of conflicting opinions, we must get to a place of respect

Our nation was in full ACCELERATE mode this weekend with  “March Madness” games, the youth-led walks across the nation to raise awareness of the desire of “the people” to achieve greater gun control laws, and the celebration of Palm Sunday.

All areas of which there are opposing views. It’s no surprise when I asked one of my dear friends if they had any blog ideas for me, that the immediate response was on how we can best respect differing opinions.

I’m not sure I have any profound thoughts, but my hope would be to get to a better conversation. To truly think through how we honor one another best without allowing our personal opinions to be in overdrive, which often results in the opposite.

Here are my initial thoughts…

  • We must “get to” a point of listening with the intent to understand. This is a call to not listen or simply “hear” with the intent to respond.
  • We must honor where others come from, remembering that just like us, their opinion didn’t come about overnight. They too have come to the conversation with history and perspective that is true to them.
  • We must also be true to our own perspective, and share it when it matters and not be silent. We must share with grace, with subtle power and with love.

There is so much to talk about with this topic, but I believe that if we keep honor in mind first, we can have opposing opinions and continue to push through to a better world for the future generations.

Rewind: Go ahead, jump the fence!

(Photo creds: We Heart it)

(This is a throwback post to 2017, because levity goes a long way.)

I told my son I wanted to do something funny today – something to add some levity to our day and get away from anything too serious.

Initially, this idea of “jumping the fence” was captured in a conversation about diversity and the need for us to not be afraid to experience different cultures, food, people, environments, etc. That is still a good idea, but what’s better today is this perspective of the image.

Through all of the stress that America has realized over the last few months, and what seems like a never-ending back and forth accelerated by social media, we really need to laugh.

So maybe this photo captures how you feel as you try to get away from your friends’ viewpoints on Trump…? Or, perhaps you had so much fun watching the Grammy Awards on Sunday that you gave some thought to changing career paths to become a rock star… You know you’ve got that image now of you on Monday morning with your blazer on and your friends cheering you on running & jumping toward your new found PATH TO GLORY.

No matter what it is, make it a demonstration of fun, friends and no doubt a lot of laughs. (By the way, that may be me struggling to even get up the dang fence.)

I’m in the mood to jump the proverbial fence into brighter territory. Into something meaningful and beautiful and truly FUN. Grab your tribe this weekend and create some memories filled with laughter!

Black History Month series: If you still don’t understand

Here’s the story of Mae Berther Carter, who raised a young family in 1965

That really isn’t that long ago, if you ask me! I think it’s important to put things into perspective.

During 1965, Ms. Carter enrolled 7 of her 13 children (boy, she had to have been busy!) in public schools that were previously reserved only for white students.

Despite people firing bullets into her home, she persisted. Despite being evicted from her home, she persisted. (Does “Nevertheless, she persisted” conversation from last year resonate with anyone else here?)

In 1969, Ms. Carter and her husband won a lawsuit challenging the “freedom of choice” laws. That same year, a court order ended the segregation system in the Drew School District. All 7 of those children later graduated from that school. (No clue what happened to the other six…) It is hard to fathom a school — and for that matter, public or private spaces — being reserved only for certain people. To think that inequality like this ever existed is far from the teaching of most value systems, spiritual and not. (Side note: There is inequality still today in so many areas, which is in a large part what the #MeToo movement is about. I am not so sure our country has advanced as much as it could have.)

At any rate, these stories compel me, as they shrink the topic to a level I can consume.

My mom was 22 years old then, and although she’s aging now, it’s hard to think she walked through this world at the same age my boys are now. That brings it close to home for me. As I shared Tuesday, science shows through epigenetics that those harsh realities impact the generations that followed, including those alive today.

That means someone you sit next to at work or church; someone you watch on television or perhaps in one of the Oscar-nominated films — they’re affected. You see, we all have our story. We all have backgrounds that shape us. I think all of us need to go into conversations throughout life with a greater understanding that everyone has a journey and the best thing we can do is listen, seek to understand and, of course, serve others freakishly good and always be kind.

I hope you and your family are taking some time this month to learn more stories like Mae’s. Consider checking out The King Center, which showcases some terrific information.

Simple Thoughts Sunday: Unity

A month of UNITY. We need feel-good moments in this country, and I love that February helps do just that.

Between the Super Bowl (shout out to what I consider to be the best Superbowl in my 50 years!), Black History Month and the Winter Olympics, we have a ton of opportunity to step in to the conversation of unity.

If you follow me on Instagram or Twitter you may have seen that I attended UMKC’S Martin Luther King Jr. lecture series, and boy was that powerful. I am forever humbled by what I don’t know despite 50 years on this Earth. Our nation has been through a lot. We are better for what we’ve experienced, and we should all be intentional about taking time to learn about our past and let it inform our present.

I hadn’t given much thought to the fact that slavery in America existed for 339 years, and that just about every major institution played a part in it. Science proves out that the lasting impacts of this are still alive and well today. I had no idea. Thank you to Dr. Joy DeGruy and the hundreds of other people who have made it their mission to bring awareness and galvanize us all into action.

Unity is an all-encompassing term, but understanding the history of our country can go a long way in helping us sort out why we’re where we are today. We can do better. We are, as we know from the Bible, dependent on each other and are one in Christ. That is the truth; that is powerful.

My prayer is that we will all consider what little we know and make an effort to gain a greater understanding. If we can take that knowledge and make it useful in our generation (and those we impact: children, grandchildren, etc.), honoring the heritage of all people, we stand a much great chance of achieving peace and love all of the days of our lives.

Anyone else with me on this? We can – and should – DO THIS!

Team USA: The power of unity

I am a huge fan of the Olympics! (I favor the Winter Olympics, but it’s all awesome!)

When the 2010 Winter Olympics were in nearby Vancouver, Canada, my sister, boys and I hopped over and attended a few events. The feeling of a world unified by something is so powerful. Let me tell you, you felt that love. It makes me wish there were Olympic games annually.

The kick off of the 2018 Winter Games tonight has me considering the whole concept of unity and being a team. What creates the movement where a team becomes unified? What drives them to pull together to win?

If you are a Kansas Citian, you know the feeling from our hometown team, the Royals. When they came together to win the World Series, it was palpable around town. There was no denying the unity of the team, and as a result, the town. (Unity is contagious… what we call good energy!) We saw the same thing Sunday night when the power of team and focus came through during post-game interviews with the Philadelphia Eagles. (Did anyone else catch the local shout out to the Blue Valley Tigers that won the Kansas state title this fall? Another example of unity! I attended a preseason golf tournament and you could feel it even then. I believe that team unity doesn’t happen over night. I had nothing to do really with this team, but still felt their energy and excitement. That’s the power of unity.)

When the athletes take the field tonight, I hope that you notice that unity is alive and well, and has been since the beginning of the modern day games in 1896. (Fun fact: They first started as a pagan religious festival in 776 in Greece, but after a 393 hiatus, regrouped to what we know today as the Olympic games.)

The Olympics as a movement has three main parts, according to reference.com. They include the International Olympic Committee, The International Federations and the National Olympic Committees. The three work together to:

  • PROMOTE PEACE
  • ENCOURAGE PEACE AMONG YOUNG ATHLETES

Sports help athletes engage on the field without discrimination, the reference goes on to say. Forming friendships and practicing fair play are the cornerstones of the events. I love all of that, don’t you?

As we go into the next few weeks watching the big events, I hope this resonates with you and you think about how we should all strive for this type of effort. As the athletes showcase, it takes work, discipline and often a mind-over-matter approach to the sport or, in this case, the game of life.

We can be unified as a country. We can reveal friendships. We can become a strong, cohesive unit. As a family, a community and a country. I believe in TEAM USA!

Simple Thoughts Sunday: GROWTH

I love things that inspire me; especially those that catch me off guard.

Chris Hodges is an author and pastor I follow from Birmingham (shout out to my BAMA friends Nan and Jan).

I have shared before that I do an annual spiritual fast, called the “Daniel Fast.” I do it the first 21 days of each year. Coupled with a better diet, I also give up the unhealthy surfing of social media channels and most TV. (I still use Twitter and Linked in for work, and admittedly still watch ‘This is Us,’ because I just can’t not watch.)

It’s amazing how much time is freed up. Also, how your focus returns to where it really should be all year long. Chris’s church, Highlands, is also doing the “Daniel Fast.” They add 21 days of prayer, and actually have a 6 a.m. weekday service that focused on great worship music and a 5-minute message before a prayer service. They posted about it online, and I was blown away by the message earlier this week on growth, and the reference to Luke 2:52.

I pray this scripture over my boys frequently and have since they were young men. I had not really given it much thought in terms of my own personal growth. Hello light bulb moment. We are all growing, whether we are 2-years-old or 92-years-old. Always learning, always looking to go deeper, share more, serve better…

Chris’s word for the year is GROWTH. (More on the word-of-the-year concept here, in case you missed it.) I think he may be a few years older than me, but I love that idea and thought you might as well.

I am praying this scripture over all of us today. May we achieve all that we were destined to in order to serve our FULL PURPOSE in this life. We will talk this week about growth in general, and some leadership insights I hope will help you continue to build momentum!